Like being away and everything is different...

This is my first attempt at blogging about the year that changed me. It's been over a year since I had an irregular pap smear followed by an endometrial biopsy, followed by a D&C, and recommended hysterectomy for irregular cells, followed by nutrition and supplemental support, second, third and fourth medical opinions and the help of many friends in the medical and research communities to help me make sense of my choices. Ultimately, cancer was detected in my uterus (endometrial), but it was early, small and treatable. It's been almost 8 months since my surgery and my doctor says I'm cancer free, however...I need to be monitored for 2 years every few months and followed for 5 years.

Just the other day I realized that it's felt like being away on a long journey (out of the country, continent, and away from familiarities) and when I return, everything is different. My perspective is different and the way I interact is different. I was on an emotional roller coaster for 8 months prior to surgery and I think I decided that I knew I'd get through it, I became a warrior and just went through the motions of being a strong, mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter, and tennis partner. I decided  that "everything is going to be all right" as my mantra, whatever that meant and wherever it took me. Fortunately, I have a regular meditation practice of over 10 years, a regular yoga practice of over 15 years, and a foundation of Buddhism in my family for generations, I guess contemplative practice is in my genes.

Allowing 

I'm beginning to feel exhausted like I should have all the months prior to diagnosis and post surgery. The medical care I received was amazing from nurses, doctors, specialists, but the missing link and as vital was someone on staff to ask "how am I handling the cancer news?" No social worker, psychologist offered. I felt alone although I had a network of amazing support. What about those who don't have the financial resources, family and friends for support? While I was at the oncologist's office for my second opinion, I noticed the waiting room was stark and cold and peppered with wig magazines. I wasn't ready for that. I wanted there to be a quiet, calm, empty "breathing room" just to get in touch with my breath. I thought of all the other patients who have this one room as their first experience too. The most difficult thing is waiting, waiting to hear word of the next news, and recognizing the telephone prefix from the doctor's office and trying to practice non reaction. I've learned not to get carried away by good or bad news. I am learning to allow feelings to percolate to the surface, to allow exhaustion and tears to flow and to allow myself to slow down. 

It was important to me to share my news with my kids, 17 and 20 at the time, in person. That proved a little difficult as my son was studying in Havana, Cuba for 4 months. My husband and I decided to take our daughter and visit our son for a week and come back together as a family. It proved to be the best medicine for me to have our pulses in rhythm with each other. Somehow I knew I was strong enough to get through surgery and further treatment.

I went through a period of experiencing the slowing of every moment. In Buddhism, we believe in impermanence and interdependence. I got a little carried away with the sacredness of each moment in that I felt hypersensitive to all interactions, appreciated as they were the last. That is exhausting. It's like focusing with eyes wide open without blinking. 

 

fresh and new!

During those trying months, I enrolled in a yoga teacher training program that required class time, study and practice over 15 hours a week. I managed to complete the training with the exception the time I had surgery and recovery ( 1 month). I am now on my way to completing the practice hours to be certified at the 200 hour level. It's a goal I have had for 10+ years to complete teacher training and it was vitally important to look forward to classes each week. Yoga practice, study, and lectures provided me with a clear path to learn, to sweat, and to focus on how my inner and outer strength. Today, I want to share the things I've gained through practice with others. To shed light into allowing... to settle the mind, practice acceptance and  maintain vibrant health. 





succulent beauty in my yard, spectabilis bambusa in background