Musings from Oregon. Near Mt Hood
I noticed a shift. Our family, 2 adult kids, (my 19 year old daughter and soon to be 23 year old son), my husband and I went on a family ski trip over spring break. This time our son picked us up at the airport. There was no rental car. Our son drove the four of us up to the mountains and hosted us for a week in his hometown, Portland. He was a gracious host but I was out of my element. A guest in his car, a guest in his home, a guest in his kitchen, a guest in his single bathroom he shares with 2 other guys. I realized my role is different, changing.
My daughter is now a freshman in college and I'm not the one to make sure she completes a paper, studies for finals, eats healthy meals,or gets enough sleep.
It's weird to be in the help, serve, solve, teach, clean-up business and to suddenly (18 years goes by really fast!) not have that role anymore. My instinct is to step in to help when they struggle, to clean up messes, to be a fixer of all things (Olivia Pope without the cool wardrobe, handbags and eclectic staff). I am finetuned to drop everything, but I can't and don't really want to fix everything anymore. It's kind of weird but I don't feel guilty about it. I feel free. Now I am the CEO, Chief Encouragement Officer to my kids. I'm happy to stand by the sidelines. I'm learning to embrace my new role as CEO. My new areas of expertise so far include encouragement on job searches, counsel on relationships, roommates, and car challenges and, above all, skillful in deep listening. I'm learning to take a step back and remember the practice of letting go.
I used to feel like life was only in-sync when my kids were stimulated at school or in a new endeavor, when they had uncovered a talent or opportunity, when they shared the lightness of humor or laughter. Now I feel I want to appreciate all the moments- the messy, tough ones and the light, happy ones.
All of those experiences are connected and they wouldn't be the unique and deeply special young adult souls I cherish without the the melange of moments. Now what I want when I look deeply and honestly is for my kids to contribute goodness in their jobs and careers (in whatever fields they choose) and at the end of the day, to have a tight circle of friends and loved ones who feed their spirits, warm their hearts, and accept their soft and rough edges.
Today I feel like a beginner- Like a new mom. I am remembering those first days of trying to figure out how to care for this new baby, this new friend, this new being. I remember realizing the more I relaxed and let it be, the more at ease and natural the rhythm felt as it unfolded. So I am going to try to relax and be patient, to be a better guest, a better side liner and to work at being a great CEO.
Breathing in, I am beginning a new role. Breathing out, I feel free.
Buddhist teachers talk about the beginner's mind. There is something intrinsically healthy and hopeful about having a beginner's mind with plenty of fresh, new and open awareness. Life is impermanent and the ski trip to the northwest reminded me of an important lesson: To remember not to get too attached to any role I have in this life, even if it's being a CEO.
