Seeking Refuge

(Today,"What's Goin' On?" by Marvin Gaye, keeps playing in my head)

5 December, 2014

  Refuge is a place of comfort, peace, safety, security, a shelter, a haven where you can be your true self. 

Can one take refuge if they are not entirely free in one's daily life? 

Can a person be their true self and realize their true potential if they face injustice the minute they walk out the door?  

What is happening to young African American men, and kids, who are often stopped, at times detained, beaten, killed, for walking, for driving, for being? I try to contemplate for a moment, how it must feel to be a suspect, to be detained, to be Other.  I try to imagine what it must feel like to live your life with your guard up.  

How must it feel to be a young man of color, to always live with a heightened sense of awareness when you're out in the world?  

How deeply must it impact a person, a family, a community on a multi generational level, a cellular level, to know the cards are stacked against them?  My heart feels heavy. I am sad and feel embarrassed that we haven't come very far. Perhaps the civil rights movement is never over, our work is not done until we all can be protected from brutality and injustice.  I want to hold and comfort those suffering today in Ferguson, Staten Island, Cleveland. 

How must a parent feel, when their child is always under suspicion by how they look, for the color of their skin? I want to honor innocent lives, I want to take a stand for peace, tolerance, reverence for life and step out of my cocooned, protected, comfort zone. Perhaps opening dialogue in my home and community, listening and learning is a good beginning.


I want to understand...


Can a person ever be free, have a sense of freedom when they are always looking over their shoulder?  

How must it feel to be under suspicion, how does that impact how you perceive the world? 

Do we really have justice if we are not all under the umbrella of equality? Can I take refuge when injustice is going on?

American citizens rounded up with armed soldiers during WWII and ordered to interment camps.

Families could take only what they could carry and walked away from everything else.

I have bi-racial kids who are now young adults. Both my parents, California natives, and most of my relatives were interned, imprisoned for years in desolate, desert "camps" during WWII for looking like the "enemy" and suffered a great injustice.

Today I look at my son and daughter with the eyes of a parent who struggles with deep concern for their very survival every time they walk out the door. How does it feel when you hold your child, nephew, brother, grandson, and wonder, will they be safe today? 

If they are stopped, questioned, detained, just how quickly   a routine thing like running an errand, going to the store, hanging out with friends, can turn into a tragedy. 

 I am always hopeful and forever optimistic.  I can imagine a time when we can all see our interconnection with all people, all beings. There is no separation between us.  I am a believer in the lofty ideal that we can remember "to live as one".

Take some chances, keep moving forward. Don't worry about falling. It's not that far... and... there's plenty of company

The High Line NYC, summer 2013

Taking chances:"Now is the time to take chances." Sage words of advice I uttered to a family member who is in his 20s and considering a move out of state. I need to take my own advice.

 I've always worried about falling in the figurative way and perhaps, literal too. Really though, it's not that far. Plus, guess what? There is plenty of company. Everyday people take risks. Inventing the next big thing, fighting for democracy or civil rights, battling personal illness, overcoming obstacles. Sometimes we fall, sometimes we don't. That's what makes us improve and get better. Remember when you first learned how or taught someone you love to ride a bike? Taking little chances, letting go of the seat turned into a really big accomplishment. Letting go and riding independently was freedom. Remember your inner smile, remember theirs? Confidence, independence, freedom. Who doesn't want to touch more of those qualities? Sometimes falling, getting scraped up and trying again makes us stronger, resilient and fosters good growth. We are all a work- in- progress, always evolving. Scrapes, scars and stories.

orchids from Annie

What can I learn from 195 years of living?

Aging, illness and death. We tend to avoid these topics, don't we? Yet, these are actually the powerful reminders to take the reins and live in the moment. They can lead to appreciation, gratitude, awareness, vitality. These charged reminders can lead us to take good care of our bodies, our health, our relationships, our livelihood right now.

I recently spent the past few weeks saying goodbye to my last surviving uncle and in the process was reminded of the power that resides in me.

Uncle George was 90 years old.  He was a quiet, generous and  self sufficient man. He didn't complain or feel sorry for himself during his recovery from many hospital stays and surgery,   although he must have been in pain, uncomfortable, and lonely. He enjoyed simple things like homemade meals, visits with friends and family, caring for his cymbidium orchid collection, and keeping up with his sports teams, The Lakers and Dodgers. 

During that farewell, I had the opportunity to visit with my "oldest" friend, Mamie who is 105 years old. Mamie is an example of how I aspire to age: she exudes positive energy,  she has a sparkle in her eyes and brings laughter and smiles all around. Although she moves slow, every year I get to see and visit with her, I'm inspired by her positive outlook, her resilience, and her ability to keep moving forward. I imagine Mamie has been in pain too, lonely, and has faced what some would consider insurmountable challenges in her long life. Mamie is my bodhisattva today; an enlightened being. She's my teacher by being her true self and embracing the people around her with love. When you look into Mamie's eyes all moments are special and sacred. She has kind of, arrived. I feel lucky to be in her presence. Mamie makes me smile. The mere thought of her makes me feel soft and happy, at ease. 

Have you noticed how often we spend time focused on feeling anxious, anguished, agitated? Bringing awareness to those feelings and recognizing them, notice we can make a choice. Choose to get carried away with negative thoughts or choose to care for and tend to the seeds of empathy, thoughtfulness, love, and understanding. I am taking a lesson from Uncle George and Mamie. I am working to take care and nurture my seeds of goodness, kindness, love and compassion. 

It turns out 195 years of living teaches volumes.

We are all beginners... and that's all right. My new title: CEO!

Musings from Oregon. Near Mt Hood

 I noticed a shift. Our family, 2 adult kids, (my 19 year old daughter and soon to be 23 year old son), my husband and I went on a family ski trip over spring break. This time our son picked us up at the airport. There was no rental car. Our son drove the four of us up to the mountains and hosted us for a week in his hometown, Portland. He was a gracious host but I was out of my element. A guest in his car, a guest in his home, a guest in his kitchen, a guest in his single bathroom he shares with 2 other guys. I realized  my role is different, changing.

 My daughter is now a freshman in college and I'm not the one to make sure she completes a paper, studies for finals, eats healthy meals,or gets enough sleep. 

It's weird to be in the help, serve, solve, teach, clean-up business and to suddenly (18 years goes by really fast!) not have that role anymore. My instinct is to step in to help when they struggle, to clean up messes, to be a fixer of all things (Olivia Pope without the cool wardrobe, handbags and eclectic staff). I am finetuned to drop everything, but I can't and don't really want to fix everything anymore. It's kind of weird but I don't feel guilty about it. I feel free. Now I am the CEO, Chief Encouragement Officer to my kids. I'm happy to stand by the sidelines. I'm learning to embrace my new role as CEO. My new areas of expertise so far include encouragement on job searches, counsel on relationships, roommates, and car challenges and, above all, skillful in deep listening. I'm learning to take a step back and remember the practice of letting go.

I used to feel like life was only in-sync when my kids were stimulated at school or in a new endeavor, when they had uncovered a talent or opportunity, when they shared the lightness of humor or laughter. Now I feel I want to appreciate all the moments- the messy, tough ones and the light, happy ones. 
All of those experiences are connected and they wouldn't be the unique and deeply special young adult souls I cherish without the the melange of moments. Now what I want when I look deeply and honestly is for my kids to contribute goodness in their jobs and careers (in whatever fields they choose) and at the end of the day, to have a tight circle of friends and loved ones who feed their spirits, warm their hearts, and accept their soft and rough edges.   

Today I feel like a beginner- Like a new mom. I am remembering those first days of trying to figure out how to care for this new baby, this new friend, this new being. I remember realizing the more I relaxed and let it be, the more at ease and natural the rhythm felt as it unfolded. So I am going to try to relax and be patient, to be a better guest, a better side liner and to work at being a great CEO.

Breathing in, I am beginning a new role. Breathing out, I feel free. 

Buddhist teachers talk about the beginner's mind. There is something intrinsically healthy and hopeful about having a beginner's mind with plenty of fresh, new and open awareness. Life is impermanent and the ski trip to the northwest reminded  me of an important lesson: To remember not to get too attached to any role I have in this life, even if it's being a CEO. 

The Virtue of a Quiet Being

It feels like spring today.As I was driving down a steep hill in my neighborhood heading west, I had a spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean this late winter afternoon. The ocean is deep, marine blue in the distance, outlined at the shore with a wide layer of aquamarine.  Clear and fresh blue sky. It reminds me of a balmy Caribbean afternoon- warm, tropical day with an easy, gentle breeze. The ocean makes me think of my son who is crewing on 42 foot sail boat somewhere in the Caribbean the past several weeks. 

The sky and ocean were this blue today.

 I received a book as a gift during the holidays that has occupied my thoughts lately. Sometimes gifts re-appear at the right moment. I "misplaced" it for a few weeks and later "found" it on my son's nightstand. This friend knows me particularly well. It's entitled, Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I was immediately taken by the title which seemed like it might be for me.  Watch Cain's TED Talk,www.thepowerofintroverts.com, for a good introduction. 

One third to one half of people are introverts. Cain, herself an introvert,  worked to fit in to an extrovert's world. She candidly explores why it's all about inclusion, not exclusion. She sheds light, merit and appreciation to quiet revolutionaries like Rosa Parks, Gandhi,and Eleanor Roosevelt. She firmly believes we all bring something to the table. 

Consider the traits of an introvert-They prefer listening to speaking, they innovate and create but dislike self-promotion. They are sensitive to nuance, think and feel deeply. They need restorative niches:places to go or things they do to recharge their batteries; what I call: To return to your true self.

Cain continues to state that we undervalue introverts and in the process lose thoughtful, reflective thinkers who can tolerate the solitude that idea-generation requires. They tend to prefer cooperative environments while extroverts favor competitive ones. 

View from my tent on silent retreat, 100 year old oak grove.

It felt like she was talking to me and allowing for all the soft qualities I've not embraced as useful and important to shine and reveal themselves. Labeled "shy" by my parents and teachers, I too, led an interior life from very early childhood. I relished my solitary moments and imaginary friends and felt more restored by playing, writing, singing alone. It felt like a deep embrace of validation, acceptance and compassion. I'll remember it for a long time.

We, sensitive ones (1/3-1/2 of people), need to remember to listen to ourselves. 
-To be in touch with our true selves, our true nature of what we loved, believed in, and ignited us from a young age.
-To pay close attention to the work and things we gravitate toward. 
-To reflect upon, what Cain suggests, what we envy in others.I consider envy a negatively charged word so I suggest looking at what you admire and respect in others. Cain framed that what she admired in her colleagues was the work in which she wanted to explore and grow on her own; namely writing. 

I intend to look deeply and reflect upon what I love to do, what feeds me, inspires me to make a change in a positive direction and continue to evolve.
If you are an extrovert, welcome the introverts in your life, your work, your family and shine together. There's room at the table, in the classroom, and workplace for us all.

Celebrating every day life

On Valentine's Day, I invited some friends over for a light dinner- roasted butternut squash soup and a simple salad of mixed greens from our garden.

Spinach, arugula and kale

We made Valentine collages! - Loving kindness images and inspiration to ourselves. As women, mothers, sisters, aunts, wives, friends, we work so hard at giving that I thought it would be a nice switch-up to spend a few hours nurturing ourselves. What kind of Valentine would you make for YOU?  We cut magazine images, glued, and artfully arranged our cards to represent an aspiration of love. I hope we can all look at them daily in a prominent place. I have. I am adding bit by bit to my loving kindness card and learning to put myself back in the equation and helping to remind my friends to do the same.

A quote from my card reads: Celebrating the sacred in every day life.

I like that reminder.

Would you consider making a loving kindness card for you?