prepare to release

Shimenawa-ornament to welcome the New Year

Kadomatsu-traditional arrangement to welcome ancestral spirits

Kasane-stacked mochi, rice cakes for the family altar

Dear Friends, near and far, 

As we prepare to release another year, we also prepare to greet the Lunar Year of the Tiger. I want to let you know, you are part of a circle that I rely on and appreciate deeply. Like some of you, I prefer some down time near the end of the year. My heart and mind yearn and long for it. As I get older, I recognize that yearning for stillness, solitude is kind of sacred medicine from my blood and spirit ancestors. feeling the need to recalibrate my body, to listen to what the past twelve months have taught me through witnessing, observing, living, i believe we have the power to offer the wisdom of stillness and slowing down to ourselves. 

The temple bell welcomes Joya E, New Year, 108 times

This year, i treated myself to a self-styled, householder rains retreat, (a tradition in India during the time of the Buddha for disciples to study, contemplate, in one place, usually during the monsoon season). ~with intention, i set time to be in silence for part of the morning and evening for three months.  most days, I begin waking up to sitting meditation,  followed by writing a delight for 15-20 minutes; thanks to Ross Gay's Book of Delights. i've been reserving time to read a poem each day for it uplifts spirit, offering a sense of spaciousness.

 Recognizing that joy and delight need to be fed and nurtured, too. I'm filling up my well of being and goodness. the morning ritual begins~fill and heat the tea kettle, prepare, measure, and inhale the sweet grassiness of Sencha tea leaves, feed Axie, our four legged sibling,

 

light a candle and incense and offer a bell or chant~ practicing being fully present. looking out the window, i smile at dewdrops on the trees, early sunlight alighting sky, solitude of a fog blanketed morning.

waking up to greet a new day with enough time to offer gratitude to fresh possibility. we should enjoy our happiness and offer it to everyone. cherish this very moment. *

it's been another year of joys and sorrows, loss and welcome of new and old conditions, of earth communicating her suffering through wildfires, tornados, floods. and sentient beings impacted by war, occupation, migration. those separated from loved ones, some without a country, a nation, a place to call home. i settle in stillness acknowledging the weight and heft of the year and know that stillness is a friend to help reconcile the sorrows and joys, birth and death. 

i return to wanting you to know that I cherish your friendship and kinship,  how and when you show up and care. your presence is felt, seen and heard from a place deep inside. 

 i created a wreath to honor the lives of those who have transitioned this year, including my mother, Bette Misao, the matriarch of our family and those known and unknown, well known and not well known. the flowers remind me of the beauty, all phases of living and that nothing is permanent. (I'm inviting those who wish to add names of folks who have transitioned in the comments section and i'll include them in a morning lovingkindness meditation.) 

my wish for you: to take a few moments to   p  a  u  s  e      in stillness, give yourself a gift of acknowledging our beautiful planet.  we get to live here, now,  in this time of flow and imperfection, to wake up each day, with all the magnificent and minuscule conditions, and we get to be, here together. touching the earth in gratitude for this life, just as it is. 

perhaps you haven't experienced loss of family or friend to the pandemic, many have not been so lucky. holidays can be especially difficult when a loved one is no longer present. please take good care of yourself with a little more patience. offer goodness from your heart toward neighbor, relation, community who might be struggling. with the heart and spirit of a grandmother's love, robai-shin,  see from a wider view, a heart that has witnessed much suffering in her lifetime, and still offers wholehearted care, support and love. 

i'm releasing 2021 by sharing two ways to nurture hope: an image of a special soup, ozoni, i grew up enjoying on New Year's morning and preparing for  2022 with a favorite poem by Indigenous poet, author, cultural hero, Joy Harjo.

 may they buoy and warm your spirit and help you remember, reveal what might be hidden or forgotten. 

breathe and slow down to welcome the energy of the Lunar Year of the Tiger.

hands together, in gassho,  🌕🎋judy 

 Prepare

The first earth gift of breathing

Opened your body, these lungs, this heart

Gave birth to the ability to interact

With dreaming

You are a story fed by generations

You carry songs of grief, triumph

Thankfulness and joy

Feel their power as they ascend 

Within you

As you walk, run swiftly, even fly

Into infinite possibility 

Let go that which burdens you

Let go any acts of unkindness or brutality

From or against you

Let go that which has burdened your family

Your community, your nation

Or disturbed your soul

Let go one breath into another

Pray thankfulness for this Earth we are

For this becoming we are

For this sunlight touching skin we are

For the cooling of the dark we are

Listen now as Earth sheds her skin

Listen as the generations move

One against the other to make power

We are bringing in a new story

We will be accompanied by ancient songs

And will celebrate together

Breathe this new dawn

Assist it as it opens its mouth

To breathe.

* Our True Heritage by Thich Nhat Hanh

this is my home

signs i made torn down within a day in my neighborhood

destroyed or disappeared within days

flower market in my community~ flowing in full
vibrant, diversity

 

 Monday, March 15~we are over a year into covid times and i yearn to take a road trip. to feel the wind on my face, to inhale the expansiveness of long roads, hills, horizon, sky and sing out loud with my favorite road tunes (Hamilton, anyone?).

Tuesday, March 16~ after the shooting massacre of hate and violence that took the lives of innocent Asian American women and men in their workplace and business in Atlanta, a shift occurred from openness to fear and anger. 

what's going on? I have two views of my state of being and state of living right now. One looks like the map below, sunny and full of possibility. the other view,  an energy of uncertainty rising, of hate and violence. 

i use she/her pronouns and we and ours. why does that matter?  identity matters and my friend, an Indigenous elder taught me that her people always travel with their ancestors and therefore, she uses we pronouns  because they don't travel alone. i began to sit, reflect and understand this over the years we have spent together.  i can travel with my ancestors and the grandparents i didn't have the good fortune to meet. i feel them beside me from her teaching. so when i say,  i want to take a road trip,  i'm speaking up for my ancestors, too, who were limited where and when they could move or travel,  excluded from places because of bigotry, racism and lost their businesses and livelihoods. They were incarcerated for years behind barbed wire due their skin color and ethnic heritage even though most were citizens. 

i made a list of the directions to go. as an asian woman over 60,  pondering if a solo road trip is wise in this time of rising hate, violence, murder of Asian Americans.

as i go about imagining direction and destination, something gnaws at me, discomfort and unease in my body,  and it hits me, on the short list of potential locations, i print in block letters: ANTI-RACIST.  i want to go somewhere where there are no white terrorists, white supremacists. i don't know if there's such a place.  i've not felt this way before, fearful of traveling alone.  how safe am i here in my community going about my day to day business?  hate crimes have occurred in many cities in California. the signs we made this summer in solidarity for Black Lives and to dismantle racism in my neighborhood were immediately destroyed or disappeared.  

thanks to Newmexicowomen.org for this art!

Recently,  i noticed a BIPOC* person wearing a t-shirt graphic that read "It's an honor just to be asian" a quote by actor Sandra Oh. i loved it and wanted one! in the days that followed, i asked myself, will i be brave enough to wear it? where? all places and spaces? would i place a sign with the sentiment and firm declaration in my front yard? how would it feel in my body to show up like that completely? 

I would feel COMPLETE, WHOLE and SEEN with a sense of belonging. 

 i benefit from light brown skin, i can pass like a chameleon in dominant culture spaces by making dominant culture comfortable. i have privileges and resources i haven't always had.  i have made white folks super comfortable so they don't even notice and/or "see" me in my fullness or wholeness. Friends and colleagues have asked and said things like, "Do you consider yourself a person of color? "I don't consider your color, you're just you." it is exhausting, disheartening, offensive to be seen in a  superficial way and not seen, dismissed in other ways. In the past, it's been a defense mechanism to want to disappear, put my head down, or deflect attention by changing the subject from the curious and offensive question, "what are you anyway?"

                                                            *Black Indigenous People of Color

 some days i feel physically tired from the decades of contorting myself to fit into the box of offensive stereotypes; exotic, model minority, martial arts black belt, or simply, the asian who looks "so familiar." some days i'm exhausted, feeling the internal scars of working to fit in. work hard, don't look or sound like a stranger in my home state and country. After Tuesday, March 16, I am shaken, scared, terrified for my AAPI (Asian American Pacific Islander) community.  

learning the devastating news of the massacre in Atlanta (objectification and fetishization of Asian women, a topic for another time), witnessing the traumatic videos and stories of violence toward Asian people, elders especially, i feel anger and heat rise inside while also feeling vulnerable for our community. watching the desecration and vandalism of Buddhist temples in Southern California, my heart aches as it reminds me of the historic racist, xenophobic destruction of our Buddhist temples during WWII. 

community repairs a vandalized lantern

 i endeavor to take a road trip and be in silence a few days, to take care of my well of being and recognize i could be a recipient of hate.  How will i practice with a body of fear and anger and heart with the capacity and dedication for love? How will i continue to cultivate the sense of belonging wherever i am? How to be at home even where hate, discrimination, and violence is present? 

 I've turned these questions into contemplations by being still, pausing, walking on the Earth. 

While being still, walking slowly, I'm coming back to myself, my true nature.  My true nature is peace, calm, and openheartedness. In stillness I remember i am in love with life and value all beings. In my heart, I don't hold hatred, even if hatred is pointed toward me. That's me. 

I'm still not sure of the direction of the road trip, yes, there will be a road trip. Now it will be guided by my heart and my ancestors directing me. They will be at my side.

I'm going to continue to be in stillness, walk the Earth and listen. 

I need to continue to come back to myself, my true home and cultivate love of all sentient beings. Tears flowing, fear and anger transforming. 

In the meantime, I ordered the t-shirt,  I'll  be wearing it fully, proudly and loudly all over town.

I am remembering~

We belong here in our fullness. Worthy. Welcome. This is our home.

And WE, my ancestors and i will continue to

This songversation by India Arie and friends came up in my feed and i'd like to share it with you, especially the last half where she  offers Worthy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTavPT15yWY