Thursday, July 20, 2023

grief has many faces





hand etched Tibetan prayers
Solukhumbu, Nepal 






Buddhist sutras etched on stone, impacted by the earthquake in Nepal,  2015
 







all that is dear to me and everyone i love are of the nature to change. 
there is no way to escape being separated from them. 

    ~Subjects for Contemplation, Upajjhatthana Sutta, one of the the five remembrances


Shinto Shrine, Miyajima Island, Japan

 a friend gifted me a jizo statue. a trio of us, BIPOC* women, meet with our commitment to work with resiliency tools and toys to metabolize trauma related to race.

Jizo on the windowsill
 jizo aka kshitigarbha, is a garden bodhisattva/awakened being of children and travelers, she protects unborn babies and children who have died before their parents, protecting them as guardians of their parents. jizo arrived after roe v. wade was overturned in 2022. we were shaken. we were angry. this unprecedented, historic event shook open old fields of grief. we shared and processed our emotions of loss and trauma. we shared together through practices of somatic abolitionism* developed and honed over nearly three years of practice and study regularly together. these are specific energy resources in all our bodies developed by Resmaa Menakem.  

it's taken a long time to fully embrace the healing facets of jizo, to recognize grief has many faces, many moon cycles to process and feel the power of letting grief surface, ebb and flow like the tide. 

here is a piece to honor and grieve my little ones, potential little beings i still hold dear and love, to respect the healing origin of jizo in Japan, homeland to respected ancestors and teachers. 

this is also a time to warn i'll be sharing about loss including abortion and miscarriage. 

 

Ancestral rituals to heal kokoro~heart mind essence

photo image of Lotusland botanic garden, California


i hold this beautiful black, heavily weighted iron jizo in my hand to honor and name those not meant to be that were once a part of me, their energy never fully mourned. 

 

privately, many decades ago, i experienced an abortion. a few years ago i was ready to confide to a circle of close friends a secret i held tightly for decades.  it turned out it was not the right time or circle. i thought there was an opening to show up more honestly and was met with silence. it felt like a sign to find another way to share and admit a deep loss where i could trust and be witnessed to tell my story. surprisingly, little awakenings has become one such place. 

privately, many decades ago i also experienced a miscarriage. i was 18 weeks pregnant with much anticipation welling up inside as my body&mind seemed to change and grow each day. my partner and i were to have our first baby. i hadn't given this monumental loss the space it deserved to fully grieve.  the process of finding out i was no longer pregnant in a routine exam by my capable ob/gyn was shocking. part of what added to the abrupt loss was a felt sense of detachment from the doctor. my physical needs were met with good medical care and luckily ample health insurance.  very few seemed to want to talk about "what to expect" when you've experienced a miscarriage, even the word miscarriage still holds a kind of cool, nebulous distance.  today, i mourn and mark two moments that deserve pause, spaciousness and stillness to honor and grieve, to accept the causes and conditions of significant life-changing loss. 

Buddhapada, iconic footprint of the Buddha, Obama, Nagasaki, Japan


jizo has been a balm for me, looking at her, holding her, knowing that countless people grieve, i am not separate from the those who have experienced heavy loss. some continue to call in jizo, adorn her with handmade hats and clothes. temples in Japan are often lined with jizo statues along pathways and on altars. 

Jizo's align the pathway, Japan

collectively, this spring, some friends held a grief circle to remember and cherish transitions.  a small group of us who met ten years ago through end-of-life training, we gathered in our home where we stood under stars and night sky. we convened around a fire ceremony grieving transitions and passings of loved ones. we released relationships shifting and changing, mourned the loss of Black and Brown lives to police violence and anti-Black, anti-Indigenous, anti-Asian, anti-Immigrant, anti-LGBTQIA+ violence while acknowledging our Earth in her transition of laboring with the climate crisis. we offered images, names, personal memories into the fire. 


all that is dear to us and everyone we love are of the nature to change. there is no way to escape being separated from them. 


we took care of the many faces of grief through ceremony. 

please pause and perhaps listen-Quietude R. Carlos Nakai

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKZEBv2K93o



collectively, our community gathers each summer to dance in a circle,  Bon Dori, a Buddhist Japanese ritual folk dance to remember those who have transitioned and become ancestors. this year i'll dance with the energy of jizo at Bon Dori. traditional taiko drums and shakuhachi, bamboo flutes will help guide our ancestors back home. we will be surrounded by family, ancestors, and descendants.  

Bon Odori

Bon Odori Senshin Temple, Los Angeles


 remembering all who have passed and transitioned 


inviting us to take good care of ourselves and each other. grief might be ebbing and flowing to those known or not known yet. hoping you have rituals to help heal, recover, and replenish kokoro and community to hold you tenderly. 

morning flower offering, Nepal












*BIPOC-Black Indigenous People of Color, people of the global majority

*Somatic Abolitionism, "an individual and communal effort to free our bodies-and our country-from their long enslavement to white body supremacy and racialized trauma." ://www.resmaa.com/movement





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Saturday, June 17, 2023

evolutionary journey of mothering

 The Evolutionary Journey of Mothering

BY | 

Judy Yushin Nakatomi reflects on the evolutionary ride of caring and learning, and protecting that is mothering.

Photo by JW.

On the evolutionary journey of mothering, I’m practicing imperfectly. As the proud mother of two adult kids, ages 31 and 27 who are multi-ethnic, transfemme and queer, my journey of motherhood has not been a linear one. Both of my children came out separately in their twenties, which didn’t take me by complete surprise. Since they were young, I’ve had an inner knowing they were each on their own journey, and that their paths could take many directions.

Looking back, their interests and choices were more fluid than fixed by any set of “rules” presented to them, which wasn’t always met with approval and acceptance from adults in their lives. Both of my children didn’t align with gender norms or rules in school in their social behavior, choice of activities, hobbies, or friends. As they grew into adulthood, I became more curious and excited to see who they were becoming. It felt like I was being invited to be present to witness budding flowers bloom. An inner voice whispered: Wait patiently, keep caring and tending.

In its most exquisite sense, to mother is about caring for the well-being of another being, it’s about lovingkindness, empathy, protection, and a long view of being and time.

Throughout their growing up, my daughters have continually taught me how to expand and deepen my awareness of what it means to love in more boundless and spacious ways. There have been times when I’ve mothered unskillfully. Early on, I misgendered our eldest daughter (who uses they/she pronouns) without realizing the full impact of my actions. It was then that I began to observe more closely and listen more deeply.

As a Japanese American person, I know how racial microaggressions impact my own body. I began to see how my actions of not fully “getting it” impacted and hurt my children. I recognized that I could be more vocal when I witnessed misgendering happening with family and friends. As a cisgender hetero woman, I could make clear and direct corrections to family and friends while educating them on my own journey of learning to recognize and correct my mistakes.

At times, I let my fear for my kids’ safety overshadow their need to live a full life. I was aware that trans and queer people of color experience high levels of hostility, hate and violence in our world. I was also aware that leading with the vibration of fear created the rigid, tight energy that I longed to transform. I needed to remind myself that embodying joy and delight creates very strong vibrations, too. Artistic expression, through dance and music, are a vital part of both my kids’ lives — I wished to nourish and water the joy of their art.  As I educate myself and meet more LGBTQ+ parents, fear is no longer front and center. This has all been a part of the journey to unfurl and flow with the joy and vibrancy in their lives.

Our loving actions can play a vital role in transforming homophobia and transphobia. I use my voice and writing to share how I’m awakening. I point to the ways I’ve been unskillful with a promise to keep learning and growing because to mother is to have the energy of empathy, the spirit to nurture and protect, which for me is closely connected to the Primal Vow in Shin Buddhism.

The Primal Vow is the 18th verse of the Larger Sukhavativyuha Sutra, or Infinite Life Sutra, describing the bodhisattva vow of manifesting boundless compassion and liberation for all beings in everyday life. Part of the practice is gassho (palms together), and reciting the nembutsu: Namo Amida Butsu. Mothering exemplifies how I interpret the vow to continue to show up to transform homophobia and transphobia by actions I take in daily life; to be the sister, friend, and mother who steps up to point to a way through fear, unskillful or harmful view, speech and action. The aspiration to universal liberation and freedom of the Primal Vow is a guiding light of love and compassion where all beings are worthy and belong, and no one is forgotten, abandoned, or neglected.

Along my kids’ journey, it became clear for me that I needed to show up in my everyday life with my family and friends and to let them know how they could continue to be a good relative and friend to our kids, my partner, and me. In speaking to some friends and family, I sensed there might be tension or misunderstanding about my children’s gender or expression. I began to frame the narrative, “I know you have loved our kids from the day they were born” to declare that as my continued hope and expectation.  I affirmed their love while offering advice on ways they could show up more: honoring pronouns, educating themselves, asking questions, checking in directly with our kids, and offering educational resources.

I began to be an advocate and a bridge to help our family and friends understand how to best show their love and acceptance for our kids’ gender identity and sexual orientation. I worked to openly answer questions and am still learning ways to be an ally to my kids and the LGBTQ+ community through groups like PFLAG and Okaeri. In Shin and Zen sangha spaces, I make sure to share my pronouns and make time to explain why it’s important.

Today, I have a different view of mothering. I recognize that “to mother” isn’t limited to biological, adoptive, step, or foster mothers. To me, to mother in its most expansive sense is not defined by gender identity — to care in the fullest sense includes all, leaving out no one, no body.

Mothering adult transfemme and queer kids is en ever-evolving practice in fluid, non-binary, non dualistic way. If I consider the word mother as a verb, “mother” is queer.  How can we compartmentalize or restrict care, love, empathy to a binary? In its most exquisite sense, to mother is about caring for the well-being of another being, it’s about lovingkindness, empathy, protection, and a long view of being and time.

The three doors of liberation remind me to be aware of notions, form, and objects of pursuit, and to ultimately let go. Thanks to impermanence, I continue to practice imperfectly on the path of mothering. This ride flows, unfurls, and opens in a non-linear way. Mothering is on a continuum — an evolutionary ride of caring, learning, and protecting.

 

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Wednesday, May 24, 2023

pilgrimage origin spirit source

 

 Writing, if nothing else is a bridge between two people, a bridge made up of language. And language belongs to all of us. If I enjoy a poem, that just means I am recognizing within it something of myself, something I must already possess. 

Therefore, to love a poem is to love a part of myself revealed to me by another person.         

                                                                                                ~Ocean Vuong








~the warmth of butter lamps illuminating Namo Buddha Monastery, Kathmandu Valley,
Nepal



pilgrimage: a long journey to sacred sites

origin- latin originem- rise, beginning or source

spirit- latin spiritus-breath

source-latin sugere-to rise, to spring

pilgrimage of the heart-a long journey reconnecting with spirit and essence of ancestral land, mountains, rivers, and forests. ~a personal journey to connect with beginnings, source(s) of spirit, tradition, urging me to remember my true original nature. 

 my partner and i embarked on a five week pilgrimage to Nepal and Japan this spring. in some ways we wished to trek in the Himalayas while our bodies were strong and resilient enough, in another, we wished to embark on a pilgrimage to sites important to practitioners of Shin, Tibetan and Zen Buddhism. i recognized that although this was a physical pilgrimage trekking in high altitude, visiting auspicious monasteries and temples, i was embarking on a pilgrimage of the heart and spirit too. it was this internal journey that compels me to write and share. 

my hope is that what i share will be of service, benefit or inspiration for readers to embark on their own pilgrimage of the heart to the place(s) of spirit, origin, source for you. the locations might not be far away or require trekking in altitude. it will require effort and attentiveness to orient your heart to open and connect. 

my wish is for you to re-connect with your original nature and reclaim your rich, perhaps complicated, unique heritage.

 my wish is to offer peace or openness through some of the images and experiences i convey.  in many ways, i carried my sangha, my community with me for the five weeks inside my tiny meditation bell to the high Tibetan monasteries in the Solu Khumbu region of Nepal, the stunning magnitude of the Annapurna range at sunrise, the Tendai temples in the forests of Mt. Hiei in Japan where Shinran Shonin (founder of Jodo Shinshu), Dogen Zenji (founder of Soto Zen), Kukai (founder of Shingon) began their decades long study and practice centuries ago. Finally, to offer a glimpse of the stunning expression of joy during cherry blossom season in Kyoto that seems to put a spell on everyone~ to pause and absorb their fleeting, impermanent nature. By their very nature, they are changing in every moment and we were caught in the spell too, falling in love permeated the air~a kind of delightful way to experience love and joy in action. It reminded me of a quote from our teacher Thich Nhat Hanh:

                            there is vitality in everything, the entire cosmos is radiant with vitality. 

my hope is to continue to share with you, in small and other ways, pilgrimage of the spirit, in all its radiant vitality. 

with a smile, with a bow, to all the conditions that make it possible. 










Boudhanath Stupa, Kathmandu, Nepal 












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