this is my home

signs i made torn down within a day in my neighborhood

destroyed or disappeared within days

flower market in my community~ flowing in full
vibrant, diversity

 

 Monday, March 15~we are over a year into covid times and i yearn to take a road trip. to feel the wind on my face, to inhale the expansiveness of long roads, hills, horizon, sky and sing out loud with my favorite road tunes (Hamilton, anyone?).

Tuesday, March 16~ after the shooting massacre of hate and violence that took the lives of innocent Asian American women and men in their workplace and business in Atlanta, a shift occurred from openness to fear and anger. 

what's going on? I have two views of my state of being and state of living right now. One looks like the map below, sunny and full of possibility. the other view,  an energy of uncertainty rising, of hate and violence. 

i use she/her pronouns and we and ours. why does that matter?  identity matters and my friend, an Indigenous elder taught me that her people always travel with their ancestors and therefore, she uses we pronouns  because they don't travel alone. i began to sit, reflect and understand this over the years we have spent together.  i can travel with my ancestors and the grandparents i didn't have the good fortune to meet. i feel them beside me from her teaching. so when i say,  i want to take a road trip,  i'm speaking up for my ancestors, too, who were limited where and when they could move or travel,  excluded from places because of bigotry, racism and lost their businesses and livelihoods. They were incarcerated for years behind barbed wire due their skin color and ethnic heritage even though most were citizens. 

i made a list of the directions to go. as an asian woman over 60,  pondering if a solo road trip is wise in this time of rising hate, violence, murder of Asian Americans.

as i go about imagining direction and destination, something gnaws at me, discomfort and unease in my body,  and it hits me, on the short list of potential locations, i print in block letters: ANTI-RACIST.  i want to go somewhere where there are no white terrorists, white supremacists. i don't know if there's such a place.  i've not felt this way before, fearful of traveling alone.  how safe am i here in my community going about my day to day business?  hate crimes have occurred in many cities in California. the signs we made this summer in solidarity for Black Lives and to dismantle racism in my neighborhood were immediately destroyed or disappeared.  

thanks to Newmexicowomen.org for this art!

Recently,  i noticed a BIPOC* person wearing a t-shirt graphic that read "It's an honor just to be asian" a quote by actor Sandra Oh. i loved it and wanted one! in the days that followed, i asked myself, will i be brave enough to wear it? where? all places and spaces? would i place a sign with the sentiment and firm declaration in my front yard? how would it feel in my body to show up like that completely? 

I would feel COMPLETE, WHOLE and SEEN with a sense of belonging. 

 i benefit from light brown skin, i can pass like a chameleon in dominant culture spaces by making dominant culture comfortable. i have privileges and resources i haven't always had.  i have made white folks super comfortable so they don't even notice and/or "see" me in my fullness or wholeness. Friends and colleagues have asked and said things like, "Do you consider yourself a person of color? "I don't consider your color, you're just you." it is exhausting, disheartening, offensive to be seen in a  superficial way and not seen, dismissed in other ways. In the past, it's been a defense mechanism to want to disappear, put my head down, or deflect attention by changing the subject from the curious and offensive question, "what are you anyway?"

                                                            *Black Indigenous People of Color

 some days i feel physically tired from the decades of contorting myself to fit into the box of offensive stereotypes; exotic, model minority, martial arts black belt, or simply, the asian who looks "so familiar." some days i'm exhausted, feeling the internal scars of working to fit in. work hard, don't look or sound like a stranger in my home state and country. After Tuesday, March 16, I am shaken, scared, terrified for my AAPI (Asian American Pacific Islander) community.  

learning the devastating news of the massacre in Atlanta (objectification and fetishization of Asian women, a topic for another time), witnessing the traumatic videos and stories of violence toward Asian people, elders especially, i feel anger and heat rise inside while also feeling vulnerable for our community. watching the desecration and vandalism of Buddhist temples in Southern California, my heart aches as it reminds me of the historic racist, xenophobic destruction of our Buddhist temples during WWII. 

community repairs a vandalized lantern

 i endeavor to take a road trip and be in silence a few days, to take care of my well of being and recognize i could be a recipient of hate.  How will i practice with a body of fear and anger and heart with the capacity and dedication for love? How will i continue to cultivate the sense of belonging wherever i am? How to be at home even where hate, discrimination, and violence is present? 

 I've turned these questions into contemplations by being still, pausing, walking on the Earth. 

While being still, walking slowly, I'm coming back to myself, my true nature.  My true nature is peace, calm, and openheartedness. In stillness I remember i am in love with life and value all beings. In my heart, I don't hold hatred, even if hatred is pointed toward me. That's me. 

I'm still not sure of the direction of the road trip, yes, there will be a road trip. Now it will be guided by my heart and my ancestors directing me. They will be at my side.

I'm going to continue to be in stillness, walk the Earth and listen. 

I need to continue to come back to myself, my true home and cultivate love of all sentient beings. Tears flowing, fear and anger transforming. 

In the meantime, I ordered the t-shirt,  I'll  be wearing it fully, proudly and loudly all over town.

I am remembering~

We belong here in our fullness. Worthy. Welcome. This is our home.

And WE, my ancestors and i will continue to

This songversation by India Arie and friends came up in my feed and i'd like to share it with you, especially the last half where she  offers Worthy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTavPT15yWY