What can I learn from 195 years of living?

Aging, illness and death. We tend to avoid these topics, don't we? Yet, these are actually the powerful reminders to take the reins and live in the moment. They can lead to appreciation, gratitude, awareness, vitality. These charged reminders can lead us to take good care of our bodies, our health, our relationships, our livelihood right now.

I recently spent the past few weeks saying goodbye to my last surviving uncle and in the process was reminded of the power that resides in me.

Uncle George was 90 years old.  He was a quiet, generous and  self sufficient man. He didn't complain or feel sorry for himself during his recovery from many hospital stays and surgery,   although he must have been in pain, uncomfortable, and lonely. He enjoyed simple things like homemade meals, visits with friends and family, caring for his cymbidium orchid collection, and keeping up with his sports teams, The Lakers and Dodgers. 

During that farewell, I had the opportunity to visit with my "oldest" friend, Mamie who is 105 years old. Mamie is an example of how I aspire to age: she exudes positive energy,  she has a sparkle in her eyes and brings laughter and smiles all around. Although she moves slow, every year I get to see and visit with her, I'm inspired by her positive outlook, her resilience, and her ability to keep moving forward. I imagine Mamie has been in pain too, lonely, and has faced what some would consider insurmountable challenges in her long life. Mamie is my bodhisattva today; an enlightened being. She's my teacher by being her true self and embracing the people around her with love. When you look into Mamie's eyes all moments are special and sacred. She has kind of, arrived. I feel lucky to be in her presence. Mamie makes me smile. The mere thought of her makes me feel soft and happy, at ease. 

Have you noticed how often we spend time focused on feeling anxious, anguished, agitated? Bringing awareness to those feelings and recognizing them, notice we can make a choice. Choose to get carried away with negative thoughts or choose to care for and tend to the seeds of empathy, thoughtfulness, love, and understanding. I am taking a lesson from Uncle George and Mamie. I am working to take care and nurture my seeds of goodness, kindness, love and compassion. 

It turns out 195 years of living teaches volumes.

We are all beginners... and that's all right. My new title: CEO!

Musings from Oregon. Near Mt Hood

 I noticed a shift. Our family, 2 adult kids, (my 19 year old daughter and soon to be 23 year old son), my husband and I went on a family ski trip over spring break. This time our son picked us up at the airport. There was no rental car. Our son drove the four of us up to the mountains and hosted us for a week in his hometown, Portland. He was a gracious host but I was out of my element. A guest in his car, a guest in his home, a guest in his kitchen, a guest in his single bathroom he shares with 2 other guys. I realized  my role is different, changing.

 My daughter is now a freshman in college and I'm not the one to make sure she completes a paper, studies for finals, eats healthy meals,or gets enough sleep. 

It's weird to be in the help, serve, solve, teach, clean-up business and to suddenly (18 years goes by really fast!) not have that role anymore. My instinct is to step in to help when they struggle, to clean up messes, to be a fixer of all things (Olivia Pope without the cool wardrobe, handbags and eclectic staff). I am finetuned to drop everything, but I can't and don't really want to fix everything anymore. It's kind of weird but I don't feel guilty about it. I feel free. Now I am the CEO, Chief Encouragement Officer to my kids. I'm happy to stand by the sidelines. I'm learning to embrace my new role as CEO. My new areas of expertise so far include encouragement on job searches, counsel on relationships, roommates, and car challenges and, above all, skillful in deep listening. I'm learning to take a step back and remember the practice of letting go.

I used to feel like life was only in-sync when my kids were stimulated at school or in a new endeavor, when they had uncovered a talent or opportunity, when they shared the lightness of humor or laughter. Now I feel I want to appreciate all the moments- the messy, tough ones and the light, happy ones. 
All of those experiences are connected and they wouldn't be the unique and deeply special young adult souls I cherish without the the melange of moments. Now what I want when I look deeply and honestly is for my kids to contribute goodness in their jobs and careers (in whatever fields they choose) and at the end of the day, to have a tight circle of friends and loved ones who feed their spirits, warm their hearts, and accept their soft and rough edges.   

Today I feel like a beginner- Like a new mom. I am remembering those first days of trying to figure out how to care for this new baby, this new friend, this new being. I remember realizing the more I relaxed and let it be, the more at ease and natural the rhythm felt as it unfolded. So I am going to try to relax and be patient, to be a better guest, a better side liner and to work at being a great CEO.

Breathing in, I am beginning a new role. Breathing out, I feel free. 

Buddhist teachers talk about the beginner's mind. There is something intrinsically healthy and hopeful about having a beginner's mind with plenty of fresh, new and open awareness. Life is impermanent and the ski trip to the northwest reminded  me of an important lesson: To remember not to get too attached to any role I have in this life, even if it's being a CEO. 

The Virtue of a Quiet Being

It feels like spring today.As I was driving down a steep hill in my neighborhood heading west, I had a spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean this late winter afternoon. The ocean is deep, marine blue in the distance, outlined at the shore with a wide layer of aquamarine.  Clear and fresh blue sky. It reminds me of a balmy Caribbean afternoon- warm, tropical day with an easy, gentle breeze. The ocean makes me think of my son who is crewing on 42 foot sail boat somewhere in the Caribbean the past several weeks. 

The sky and ocean were this blue today.

 I received a book as a gift during the holidays that has occupied my thoughts lately. Sometimes gifts re-appear at the right moment. I "misplaced" it for a few weeks and later "found" it on my son's nightstand. This friend knows me particularly well. It's entitled, Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I was immediately taken by the title which seemed like it might be for me.  Watch Cain's TED Talk,www.thepowerofintroverts.com, for a good introduction. 

One third to one half of people are introverts. Cain, herself an introvert,  worked to fit in to an extrovert's world. She candidly explores why it's all about inclusion, not exclusion. She sheds light, merit and appreciation to quiet revolutionaries like Rosa Parks, Gandhi,and Eleanor Roosevelt. She firmly believes we all bring something to the table. 

Consider the traits of an introvert-They prefer listening to speaking, they innovate and create but dislike self-promotion. They are sensitive to nuance, think and feel deeply. They need restorative niches:places to go or things they do to recharge their batteries; what I call: To return to your true self.

Cain continues to state that we undervalue introverts and in the process lose thoughtful, reflective thinkers who can tolerate the solitude that idea-generation requires. They tend to prefer cooperative environments while extroverts favor competitive ones. 

View from my tent on silent retreat, 100 year old oak grove.

It felt like she was talking to me and allowing for all the soft qualities I've not embraced as useful and important to shine and reveal themselves. Labeled "shy" by my parents and teachers, I too, led an interior life from very early childhood. I relished my solitary moments and imaginary friends and felt more restored by playing, writing, singing alone. It felt like a deep embrace of validation, acceptance and compassion. I'll remember it for a long time.

We, sensitive ones (1/3-1/2 of people), need to remember to listen to ourselves. 
-To be in touch with our true selves, our true nature of what we loved, believed in, and ignited us from a young age.
-To pay close attention to the work and things we gravitate toward. 
-To reflect upon, what Cain suggests, what we envy in others.I consider envy a negatively charged word so I suggest looking at what you admire and respect in others. Cain framed that what she admired in her colleagues was the work in which she wanted to explore and grow on her own; namely writing. 

I intend to look deeply and reflect upon what I love to do, what feeds me, inspires me to make a change in a positive direction and continue to evolve.
If you are an extrovert, welcome the introverts in your life, your work, your family and shine together. There's room at the table, in the classroom, and workplace for us all.

Celebrating every day life

On Valentine's Day, I invited some friends over for a light dinner- roasted butternut squash soup and a simple salad of mixed greens from our garden.

Spinach, arugula and kale

We made Valentine collages! - Loving kindness images and inspiration to ourselves. As women, mothers, sisters, aunts, wives, friends, we work so hard at giving that I thought it would be a nice switch-up to spend a few hours nurturing ourselves. What kind of Valentine would you make for YOU?  We cut magazine images, glued, and artfully arranged our cards to represent an aspiration of love. I hope we can all look at them daily in a prominent place. I have. I am adding bit by bit to my loving kindness card and learning to put myself back in the equation and helping to remind my friends to do the same.

A quote from my card reads: Celebrating the sacred in every day life.

I like that reminder.

Would you consider making a loving kindness card for you?

Like being away and everything is different...

This is my first attempt at blogging about the year that changed me. It's been over a year since I had an irregular pap smear followed by an endometrial biopsy, followed by a D&C, and recommended hysterectomy for irregular cells, followed by nutrition and supplemental support, second, third and fourth medical opinions and the help of many friends in the medical and research communities to help me make sense of my choices. Ultimately, cancer was detected in my uterus (endometrial), but it was early, small and treatable. It's been almost 8 months since my surgery and my doctor says I'm cancer free, however...I need to be monitored for 2 years every few months and followed for 5 years.

Just the other day I realized that it's felt like being away on a long journey (out of the country, continent, and away from familiarities) and when I return, everything is different. My perspective is different and the way I interact is different. I was on an emotional roller coaster for 8 months prior to surgery and I think I decided that I knew I'd get through it, I became a warrior and just went through the motions of being a strong, mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter, and tennis partner. I decided  that "everything is going to be all right" as my mantra, whatever that meant and wherever it took me. Fortunately, I have a regular meditation practice of over 10 years, a regular yoga practice of over 15 years, and a foundation of Buddhism in my family for generations, I guess contemplative practice is in my genes.

Allowing 

I'm beginning to feel exhausted like I should have all the months prior to diagnosis and post surgery. The medical care I received was amazing from nurses, doctors, specialists, but the missing link and as vital was someone on staff to ask "how am I handling the cancer news?" No social worker, psychologist offered. I felt alone although I had a network of amazing support. What about those who don't have the financial resources, family and friends for support? While I was at the oncologist's office for my second opinion, I noticed the waiting room was stark and cold and peppered with wig magazines. I wasn't ready for that. I wanted there to be a quiet, calm, empty "breathing room" just to get in touch with my breath. I thought of all the other patients who have this one room as their first experience too. The most difficult thing is waiting, waiting to hear word of the next news, and recognizing the telephone prefix from the doctor's office and trying to practice non reaction. I've learned not to get carried away by good or bad news. I am learning to allow feelings to percolate to the surface, to allow exhaustion and tears to flow and to allow myself to slow down. 

It was important to me to share my news with my kids, 17 and 20 at the time, in person. That proved a little difficult as my son was studying in Havana, Cuba for 4 months. My husband and I decided to take our daughter and visit our son for a week and come back together as a family. It proved to be the best medicine for me to have our pulses in rhythm with each other. Somehow I knew I was strong enough to get through surgery and further treatment.

I went through a period of experiencing the slowing of every moment. In Buddhism, we believe in impermanence and interdependence. I got a little carried away with the sacredness of each moment in that I felt hypersensitive to all interactions, appreciated as they were the last. That is exhausting. It's like focusing with eyes wide open without blinking. 

 

fresh and new!

During those trying months, I enrolled in a yoga teacher training program that required class time, study and practice over 15 hours a week. I managed to complete the training with the exception the time I had surgery and recovery ( 1 month). I am now on my way to completing the practice hours to be certified at the 200 hour level. It's a goal I have had for 10+ years to complete teacher training and it was vitally important to look forward to classes each week. Yoga practice, study, and lectures provided me with a clear path to learn, to sweat, and to focus on how my inner and outer strength. Today, I want to share the things I've gained through practice with others. To shed light into allowing... to settle the mind, practice acceptance and  maintain vibrant health. 





succulent beauty in my yard, spectabilis bambusa in background

Walking in rhythm

Why did I choose waking up as a title? Waking up brings to mind newness and freshness. It's a lovely metaphor for life. I love new beginnings. Fresh perspective, eyes wide open, rejuvenation.    

I believe we each have a rhythm in our bodies in how we interact with our circle (our circle of family, friends, animals, plants and minerals).The inner journey makes us grow and glow. This blog is an experiment in sharing my experiences. When we wake up in the morning, as Budhhist zen master and poet Thich Nhat Hanh says, "we have 24 brand new hours" ahead of us. I hope to shed some light and share some insight and continue to grow and glow and find my rhythm.  Here goes nothing....